Despite being devastated, I am very proud of myself. I was all alone. I had no support, and I didn't seek it in desperation. I stood my ground even though I was pertified. I did all that opposed my natural instinct. I wanted to hide. I wanted to pretend. I wanted to subdue the pain and run. Yet I didn't. My decisiveness wouldn't falter. This is the first in my entire life. 

 

I don't have new years resolutions. Never have had. But I made a life-long commitment to continuously improve myself. Emotional pain has been my greatest weakness. It's the one I've never attempted to conquer. It has gotten to the point where sometimes my mind would create a different version of the reality in order to provide my heart with some solace.

 

Whenever encountering emtional disruption I get paralyzed and refuse to face the pain. Be it my parents or an infidel partner, I wouldn't face it. But not anymore. 

 

I feel somewhat masochistic. I keep kicking myself while I am down. Don't let it stop. Don't let the wound heal with false pretences. Repeat those word he said. He said them. He meant them. You are too far gone in a friendship to ever tempt anything more. There is nothing left.

 

In between the pain there is peace. I don't know how to describe it but, in between the heartaches, I sometimes find utter peace. Because the worst is done. I'm completely broken down. There is nothing more to fear.