My colleagues read a protocol I wrote for work the other day and were perplexed. They found that my writing countered who I am, and thought it didn't match the same person that skips about and appears so childish. But there are endless things they don't know about me. 

 

I don't believe there's only one version of a person. I think we act different depending on the company and the situation. I, myself, differ a lot. And most people I know only see the tip of the iceberg. I don't intend it to be like that, but a certain part of me is very private and is only reserved for a handful. 

 

This guy from work, who studies to become a therapist, tried to pick my brain in, what he thought, a very subtle manner. But I'm highly aware of what people say to me and why they say the things they say. It's an attribut you get from having a manipulative mother. I instantly shut him off and put on my joker-face.

 

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I'm just through and through fake, but have come to the conclusion that all of my "personalities" are genuine. I'm very out-spoken yet shy; I'm cheerful yet gloomy; I'm mature yet childish; I'm open but conservative, etc. I'm array of contradictions. Always have been. 

 

I think this is one of the reasons why I have a hard time falling in love with someone. Because when a guy is interested in me, he's only interested in the part that I let on. Most the time that is my cheerful, childish and naive self. She's very girly. Very girl next door. Likable. But I'd like to think there's more depth to me than that. Yet most guys are content with a flat, superficial woman. It's like fancying a book with a nice cover but never intending to read it. 

 

It is very disaffirming, I know. Cause at one hand I don't let people in enough to see the whole version of me, and on the other hand I reject them for not trying. But I just feel like guys look at me as if looking at a piece of steak. No one is really looking. They're just hungry. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I just think you cannot truly love someone if you don't know them.