I try not to act on emotions I can't explain. Sometimes our emotions reflect our own self perception and has little to do with what anyone else thinks and says. Besides, how treacherous and unreliable are those shady and corrupt feelings? We don't think clearly, as if trapped in a trance. Haven't you noticed? Everything is a blur when you're sad, and all is blank when you're agitated. I figured, if it cannot be rationalised, it's not real.

 

I have always aspired to be a good person. When we had a school assignment to draw a self portrait of our future self in primary school, all I knew was I wanted to be good. I don't recall how it all started, perhaps I was trying to get my parents' attention, but this need and aspiration followed me to adulthood. It expanded, of course, from doing household work and manage school to excel at an actual workplace. And it does not only concern performance, everything I do must be justified and righteous. I don't get recklessly drunk, I don't smoke, and I don't do drugs. I don't lie, I don't steal nor cheat. I don't harm, I don't hurt, and I don't hate. When I do something, I do it well, percise and accurately. You'd think it's an exhausting lifestyle, but it's not. It's part of who I am and fundamentally incorporated in my way of living. Think of it as breathing; I don't even consider the fact that I do. 

 

I am a bit broken. When all shattered like thin glass inside of me at my last job, I never recovered to my former self. And I guess I've been striving for some sort of revalidation ever since. Honestly, if I'm not good, I don't know who I am. It's unfortunate that we are so dependent on what other people think. Sure, you can say it doesn't matter, but it does. We live in a sociaty and are tightly integrated to one another. But no one can ever know you completely for who you are, and that saddens me.Because when you think about it, we are actually very alone. 

 

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When I fell asleep in the salty lake, you were there with your strong chest. You mother was there too, yelling in the hot Texan air. I don't know what it all implied, but it gave me peace and comfort. It has been a long while since I dreamt about you.