It's happening. I can't believe it is happening.

 

There is this theory that a child whose parents are actively involved and overly protective, grows up to become fearful, dependent and unable to make their own desicions. A child who is allowed to explore on his/her own although under the supervision of a watchful parent will on the other hand grow up to be more independent and unafraid of the outer world. A child who has absent parents will grow up to become guarded and excessively catious and calculous in making decisions. I am the latter child.

 

I don't think people entirely understands this. Imagine growing up without anyone having your back. Imagine having zero ground to fall back on. It's only natural to be insecure and careful. And I manage that insecurity by checking things, once, twice, trice - a hundred times. Because no one ever taught me what to do. I had to figure that out on my own. 

 

I'm about to make the biggest purchase of my life. These weeks, I've been a complete neurotic wreck. I've been twisting and turning every aspect and overanalysing every detail. It's sooo much money, and if something goes wrong I am on my own - pennyless. It's a risk, and I'm not a risky type of person.

 

But San said it well. He said that it is very cool besides all uncertainties, that I managed to make it entirely on my own. Without help from family or other assistance, solely by my own savings. He said I should be proud. And I think, with time, I will be.