I'm in the midst of a personality split.

 

I am raised to comply. By nature, I've always had a very prominent motherinstinct. I sought to serve, assist and please others. Making people happy soothed my being. It gave me purpose and meaning. I could offer someone my entire life with a genuine smile on my face. It completed me. Or at least, that was what I believed.

 

Until the day I realised, that wasn't truly living. I used to think you'll receive what you sow; if you're nice to others you'll be treated as such; if you love someone entirely, they'd love you back. Wrong. Everybody is responsible for their own happiness and joy. We need to be our own primary caregiver before we decide to care for others. Otherwise, you'd just be giving and giving until you're all out and empty.

 

I'm currently in the process of learning how to be selfish. It is such a hard practice. I keep resisting the urge to compromise, to give in, to surrender. I do this, even when I'm in the right. That is not healthy. On the contrary, that is an easy way to be taken advantage of, especially in a workplace. I used to not mind, but those things - those injust and ominous things - they bottled up and create this big, dark mass within you. It bears down on you and your selfworth. You forget to love and protect the one person that really matters - yourself. 

 

Mantra: I am gonna protect myself firstly and at all cost.