They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That is, if it doesn't tear your soul apart beyond repair.

 

Ironically, very often beauty derives from pain. I think of art of different kinds; music, painting, dances and poetry. Why is that? Why do I get the urge to write and to draw and to sing (although not dance, cause I can't dance) when I feel blue? And it makes me wonder how tormented God must have been when he created the world. He must have felt endlessly lonely in order to come up with the idea of this planet and life upon it. 

 

When I was younger and I fell into the void of unhap events, I'd comfort myself by seeking the little lights. You know, even if my family quarrelled a lot, I'd think to myself at least I had good friends, good health, good grades. There would always be something there to be grateful for. Always. Because as God shut the door he will leave a window opened. I was a firm believer of that.

 

Well, now. I feel like I have ran out of lights. I know that is probably not the case, how could it? But I do feel as if I have reached the bottom of the well. And as I gaze so desparately towards the far above opening for any signs of hope I find only perpetual darkness.

 

I look back, at pretty joyous memories and I rely on their feeble forms to survive the night. I'd like to dream, but the ability to dream has been thieved from me. And so I can only reminisce and grasp the ghost strands of the past. But nothing in the past can help me. It is passé. Finito. Over. What can only help me is change, and I have always been terrified of the element of change. So unpredictable and incontrollable. I don't like it one bit.

 

Funny thing is, you can shiver and doubt however much you'd like and however long you'd like, but sooner or later the circumstances will push you over. Change is part of life, whether we like it or not.

 

 

I convince myself that this unremitting darkness is nothing to be afraid of. It can only get so dark. And in this darkness I can now only seek light. I can only find light.